I Believed I Was a Homosexual Woman - The Legendary Artist Made Me Discover the Reality

Back in 2011, a few years prior to the acclaimed David Bowie exhibition launched at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I publicly announced a gay woman. Until that moment, I had only been with men, with one partner I had wed. Two years later, I found myself in my early 40s, a newly single caregiver to four kids, residing in the United States.

Throughout this phase, I had commenced examining both my personal gender and sexual orientation, seeking out answers.

Born in England during the beginning of the seventies - pre-world wide web. When we were young, my companions and myself didn't have social platforms or video sharing sites to reference when we had questions about sex; instead, we looked to pop stars, and in that decade, everyone was challenging gender norms.

Annie Lennox donned masculine attire, The flamboyant singer embraced girls' clothes, and bands such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured performers who were publicly out.

I wanted his lean physique and defined hairstyle, his angular jaw and flat chest. I aimed to personify the artist's German phase

Throughout the 90s, I lived operating a motorcycle and adopting masculine styles, but I returned to femininity when I decided to wed. My spouse moved our family to the America in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an irresistible pull back towards the male identity I had once given up.

Given that no one played with gender to the extent of David Bowie, I opted to use some leisure time during a warm-weather journey visiting Britain at the gallery, hoping that maybe he could help me figure it out.

I didn't know specifically what I was looking for when I walked into the exhibition - maybe I thought that by immersing myself in the richness of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, in turn, encounter a hint about my personal self.

Before long I was facing a small television screen where the music video for "Boys Keep Swinging" was playing on repeat. Bowie was performing confidently in the front, looking polished in a charcoal outfit, while off to one side three backing singers in feminine attire clustered near a microphone.

In contrast to the performers I had encountered in real life, these ladies weren't sashaying around the stage with the confidence of inherent stars; rather they looked bored and annoyed. Positioned as supporting acts, they were chewing and rolled their eyes at the tedium of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, appearing ignorant to their reduced excitement. I felt a momentary pang of understanding for the supporting artists, with their thick cosmetics, awkward hairpieces and constricting garments.

They gave the impression of as awkward as I did in women's clothes - irritated and impatient, as if they were hoping for it all to be over. Just as I understood I connected with three individuals presenting as female, one of them removed her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and revealed herself to be ... Bowie! Shocker. (Naturally, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I became completely convinced that I aimed to shed all constraints and emulate the artist. I desired his narrow hips and his sharp haircut, his defined jawline and his masculine torso; I sought to become the slim-silhouetted, artist's Berlin phase. And yet I couldn't, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Announcing my identity as homosexual was one thing, but gender transition was a much more frightening prospect.

I needed additional years before I was willing. Meanwhile, I did my best to embrace manhood: I ceased using cosmetics and discarded all my feminine garments, trimmed my tresses and started wearing male attire.

I sat differently, walked differently, and modified my personal references, but I halted before hormonal treatment - the chance of refusal and remorse had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

When the David Bowie display completed its global journey with a presentation in New York City, after half a decade, I went back. I had arrived at a crisis. I found it impossible to maintain the facade to be an identity that didn't fit.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the issue wasn't about my clothing, it was my physical form. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been in costume since birth. I aimed to transition into the individual in the stylish outfit, performing under lights, and now I realized that I could.

I booked myself in to see a doctor not long after. It took additional years before my transformation concluded, but none of the fears I anticipated occurred.

I still have many of my traditional womanly traits, so others regularly misinterpret me for a queer man, but I accept this. I sought the ability to experiment with identity following Bowie's example - and since I'm at peace with myself, I have that capacity.